PeterIsSorry.com

I’m sorry that when I cut my finger my first thought was that I should buy some bandaids online.

I’m sorry that I’m contributing more than my fair share to global warming by having things that I would normally buy at a grocery store (deodorant, cereal, dustpans, frying pans, peanut butter, basil that you grow in a bag, etc.) shipped to me from all over the country, each in its own excessively large box.

It all started when I went out to buy deodorant about a month ago (I still don’t have any). For some reason, every store here keeps all their deodorant in a glass case like it’s some kind of magical golden deodorant, and I was too embarrassed to have a store employee get some out for me. I decided I would buy some from Amazon.com (in a 6-pack!) and discovered that Amazon sells everything that I could ever want, and that it’s a lot easier to click a couple buttons than it is to go outside. I may or may not have ended up ordering 17 different things.

I also am sorry that the FedEx guy has to come deliver multiple packages to me every day, but I’m never here to sign for them, so he keeps coming back every day with more and more packages, eventually requiring a small trolley to bring them all to the door.

I’m sorry that a bought a desk too big to fit in the rental car that I was driving, leaving me no choice but to take the desk out of its box in the IKEA parking lot and try to fit each individual part in its own special place in the car. It only took about half an hour.

I’m also sorry that I accidentally bought a $270 rug instead of the $30 one I was hoping to purchase.

I’m ALSO sorry that I may have accidentally stolen somebody’s cart halfway through the store. (Could this be why I’m missing some of the things I wanted to buy and why I ended up with a very expensive rug? Also I had some things that I don’t remember picking up.)

I’m sorry that I once again did not support the underground cartoonist, even after he informed me that his work is “hobo fresh”.

I’m sorry that I sleep in a nest made of clothes and various other things (like a turtle).

I’m sorry for having an ‘incident’ with a table saw that resulted in someone being sent to the hospital because of suspected internal bleeding. I’m also sorry that I was put on Permanent Time-Out in shop class because of this incident (which was totally not my fault).

(This was a long time ago and he ended up not having any internal bleeding.)

I sorry for blowing my nose into my underwear.

I’m sorry that I did not “support a starving, underground cartoonist.”

I’m sorry for suggesting that you dress your mom up as me and then make out with her.

I’m sorry that I tried to balance a big bowl of cereal on my knees and spilled it all over my crotch.

I’m sorry that I use the same towel to dry off my dishes AND my body (and I never wash it).