PeterIsSorry.com

I’m sorry that I walked 14 miles this morning because I’m afraid of public transportation.

I’m sorry that my pants and I have a serious chafing issue.

I’m sorry that I came very close to being hit in the face by a pigeon.

I’m sorry for concocting an elaborate lie to convince you that my nickname is “The Frog” (or “Grenouille” Pete).

I’m sorry for wishing that you were a hunchback.

I’m sorry that I left all my shaving remnants (lots of hair) in my egg poacher.

I’m sorry that Mr. Drain and I disagree on the number of cooked eggs that can be shoved down him.

I’m sorry that I “intercepted” (ate all of) your delicious, freshly-baked cake before it could find its way to the birthday girl.

I’m sorry that when you said “I love you” I responded by saying “Donkey.”

I’m sorry that I dropped a piece of exotic cheese in my shoe.

I’m sorry that I called you a donkey and then tried to make up for it by claiming that I was talking about a “fun, clever, beautiful donkey.”

Sorry that I’m slightly more impatient than I am lazy, forcing you to walk up five flights of stairs with a cello instead of waiting 30 seconds for the elevator.

I’m sorry that I left sliced cheese out for so long that it started to melt for no apparent reason.

I’m sorry that I lose my shoes almost every day even though I live in a room smaller than some prison cells.

I’m sorry that I never buy any clothes for myself, so my entire wardrobe is made up of other people’s old clothes that they’re too embarrassed to wear, and new clothes that my mother sends me in the mail whenever she gets disgusted with how I look like a bum.

I’m sorry that I wash my only plate approximately once a week, regardless of how dirty it is.  I’m also sorry that I never wash my only knife, unless scraping it off with a plastic fork counts as washing.

I’ve identified the source of my backpack’s extremely unpleasant odor: a salad that I purchased on an airplane on August 21. I had to “let it go”.

Regarding my quest to have PeterIsSorry.com become the #1 result for the Google search query “putting feces on the face” (see posts “Google” and “On the face?!“):
PeterIsSorry.com has disappeared from the first page of results, but an indirect link to PeterIsSorry.com via Technorati has become the #2 search result!

Only one more spot to go.

EDIT: Another update: The hot dog count is now up to 36 hot dogs in 18 days. Pretty consistent (2 dogs/day). I’ve purchased some tofu hot dogs so that I don’t die. I may or may not have eaten 8 Pop Tarts in the last 24 hours, though—hmm.

I apologize to myself for dropping my toothbrush into a sink full of dirty dishwater.

I’m sorry that:

• I would like to have the #1 Google search ranking for the query “putting feces on the face” (If you are confused, please read this post.)
• the only reason for this apology is to increase my ranking for “putting feces on the face”

PeterIsSorry.com currently (Sept. 4, 2007) holds the top spot on the second page of search results. The #1 spot (on the first page) is held by this shocking article—from now on referred to as my nemesis—which informs us that some makeup may actually contain feces! An excerpt:

“We’re putting feces on our face,” professor Elizabeth Brooks said. “Not a fun thing to do.”

Well said, my nemesis. Well said.

EDIT: Good news, everyone!  PeterIsSorry.com is already up to #5!

I’m sorry that I sound like an alien on the phone because I am using a crappy Skype connection instead of buying a real phone line.