PeterIsSorry.com

Sorry for having a shower but forgetting to use soap or shampoo.

I’m sorry for wanting to be friends with… AN OSTRICH! I’m also sorry for not even trying to make any new “people” friends. (I’m holding out for an ostrich.)

(Photo by Steve Harris)

Sorry for disregarding your instructions that your contents are only to be eaten “by the young, infirm or aged.”

I’m sorry for:

• having to pee so badly that I think my bladder might rupture, but putting it off for a few hours because I’m doing something important like watching TV or sitting
• being so hungry that I feel ill and my vision is going blurry, but not getting anything to eat because I’m too lazy to get up and go to the fridge (which is at least three feet away)

I’m sorry for buying a cheese knife so large and scary that it comes with a sheath. It’s not even good at cutting cheese.

Sorry for referring to you as “Runs” and then “Sticky”.

I apologize for complaining to actual adults that my “man parts” flop around annoyingly when I jog.

I’m sorry that I own an accordion. (No, I’m not.)

I’m sorry for waiting in line for 15 minutes to buy Halloween candy in August.

EDIT: I’m also sorry for eating 305 grams of KitKat bars in approximately 12 hours.

I’m sorry that I don’t even know where I’m supposed to take my garbage to, so I will soon have a maggoty/rodenty infestation in my room/manly pad.

I’m sorry that I don’t own a mirror, making it very difficult to keep my appearance and hygiene at “acceptable” levels.

I’m sorry that I witnessed a chihuahua wearing a leopard-print jacket.

I’m also sorry for eating an entire carton of Reese’ Peanut Butter Cup ice cream in less than 24 hours.

I’m sorry:

• for scaring young children by looking like their worst nightmare
• that little kids hurt my feelings

I am sorry for:

• charging a couple of plane tickets as well as a couple of rental cars to your credit card without telling you
• attempting atrocious alliterations

I am sorry:

• for inconveniencing the flight crew of an airplane by having them spend 10 minutes strapping my cello into the middle seat (with a “restraint net”) on the plane only to be told that it’s a safety hazard and must have a window seat, forcing them to undo this “restraint net” and repeat the entire process one seat over
• that my cello got a better seat than me
• for run-on sentences

I am also sorry for accidentally stealing your Mom’s sweater and then moving several thousand kilometers away.  (Thanks, Liz.)

Sorry for:

• interrupting your expression of love to let you know that I lost
• sucking on your face with a straw
• kicking your viola
• spilling your drink all over everything with my poor driving

Sorry for putting a nice picture given to you as a gift in a pile of garbage.  Also, there was some old food on the picture.

Sorry for:

• yanking the keys out of the ignition while you were driving
• nicknaming you “Runs”

I’m sorry for:

• closing the elevator doors on you on purpose
• returning your shoes with a rental car

Do you want to make everyone lose The Game all the time? Buy a PeterIsSorry.com “I lost” T-Shirt here.